Loving the wrong person...
1 December 2007, 12:47
By Tamara Shah*
I am a 25-year-old Muslim girl who was born and brought up in KwaZulu-Natal. At the age of 19 I was very independent, had a good job, friends and family. I met a 25-year old guy who promised me the world, a queen's life. I wasn't ready for marriage so I told him we should date and then see where our love takes us.
I dated him for two years before we got married and he was caring, loving, and supporting. My family did the whole wedding and furnished our home. My Dad bought me a car as a gift. That's when I thought my dreams would come true.
Just two weeks into the marriage, the nightmare began. He became very verbally, then physically, abusive - always to my body, not my face. I would ask why, but he never gave me any answers. It went on for two months non-stop, until he packed his clothes and walked out. My family told me to come back home.
It was hard to get over what happened, but with my family's support I was okay.
It would have been our first anniversary when he came back and told me he was sorry for what had happened. He wanted another chance. He begged and pleaded and I fell for it. I went with him to Durban.
Life was good for a week. He took a truck to pick up all my furniture I had put in storage and he promised my family things would be okay between us. Things were great for two weeks. Then he started abusing me again. When he "apologised" he would want to sleep with me.
One morning he kissed me on his way to work, saying he "loves me" and "see you later". Two hours later two police officers knocked on the door and handed over a protection order and arrest warrant. They told me to leave the premises immediately.
Drugs
I called my husband. He told me to go back to my family - he doesn't want me any more - he just used me to get all my furniture.
The protection order said I had abused and sexually harassed him, that I was having an affair and was using drugs at our home. I left.
I tried to call him that evening, but he wouldn't take my calls. I went back there, begging to know what I had done. He slammed the door on my hand, saying get out. He pushed me and I fell and cracked my head. When he saw me in pain he told me to come in and talk. I went in and he wanted to have sex. I said no, and he said he loved me. I said no again. He headed me into the bedroom and put himself in me while holding me down and covering my mouth.
After, he said he loved me and things would be okay. He sent me to Pietermaritzburg the next morning to see my family and to give them money. My mum saw there was something wrong, so I told her what my husband had done. She was shocked, with nothing to say, and told me to stay there or he would kill me.
I did not listen. When I returned home I was shocked to find all the locks changed. He called me, saying to get out of his house, he doesn't want me. The next day I went to the police to open a rape and abuse case against him. They arrested him.
Yet again my family gave me love and support. After one-and-a-half years, I decided to make a new start so in April 2007, I moved to Johannesburg.
Through a friend I met someone who was looking for someone to do admin work. He offered me a salary, his flat to share. I did not mean for it to happen, but we hit it off. I told him all about my past and he told me about his. He had been married twice, had three children from the first wife. The eldest was 16.
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. On June 30, we decided to get married, with our parents' blessing. We also found out that I was pregnant with my 1st baby. We were excited and happy.
When the doctor put me on bedrest because of complications, my husband did everything for me. However, soon after that he changed towards me, becoming verbally abusive.
Family
His family stayed across the street from us and they began spying on me, also being verbally abusive. At the beginning of October, we had a fight that ended with him telling me to get out of his house.
I waited until he phoned me to come back home. When I came in, I only asked him why he was looking at me like that, when he jumped from the bed, pushing me around.
I pulled a knife that he keeps under his pillow to defend myself. During the struggle, I was knocked out and when I woke up I heard him calling the police. Three male and one female police officers in uniform came. He told them I was on drugs and that I used to abuse my ex-husband. They told me I must come with them to the station. I told them I did nothing wrong, I'm not leaving my house. The policewoman pulled me off the bed and I screamed in pain and told her I was pregnant.
My husband told her to leave me and that he will bring me to the station. When they left he told me to take my things and get out. We quarrelled some more, but then he asked me to forgive him and to try and work things out. And we made love.
However, things never changed. One day, after a bitter quarrel with his family, he told me to leave. I had nowhere to go, so I slept in my car and washed at malls for three weeks. Then I went to Nissaa the (Islamic Women's Forum). They gave me a place to stay.
It's being a month of living hell for me, thinking things will be ok and taking his promises. He made me relive my whole past in detail, he repeated it.
For other women, I want to say when you get into a new relationship be independent, work and have an income. Remember, your family will always love you. Live life, don't let life live you.
q This story is part of a series produced by the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service for the Sixteen Days of Activism on Gender Violence.
* Not her real name
I am a 25-year-old Muslim girl who was born and brought up in KwaZulu-Natal. At the age of 19 I was very independent, had a good job, friends and family. I met a 25-year old guy who promised me the world, a queen's life. I wasn't ready for marriage so I told him we should date and then see where our love takes us.
I dated him for two years before we got married and he was caring, loving, and supporting. My family did the whole wedding and furnished our home. My Dad bought me a car as a gift. That's when I thought my dreams would come true.
Just two weeks into the marriage, the nightmare began. He became very verbally, then physically, abusive - always to my body, not my face. I would ask why, but he never gave me any answers. It went on for two months non-stop, until he packed his clothes and walked out. My family told me to come back home.
It was hard to get over what happened, but with my family's support I was okay.
It would have been our first anniversary when he came back and told me he was sorry for what had happened. He wanted another chance. He begged and pleaded and I fell for it. I went with him to Durban.
Life was good for a week. He took a truck to pick up all my furniture I had put in storage and he promised my family things would be okay between us. Things were great for two weeks. Then he started abusing me again. When he "apologised" he would want to sleep with me.
One morning he kissed me on his way to work, saying he "loves me" and "see you later". Two hours later two police officers knocked on the door and handed over a protection order and arrest warrant. They told me to leave the premises immediately.
Drugs
I called my husband. He told me to go back to my family - he doesn't want me any more - he just used me to get all my furniture.
The protection order said I had abused and sexually harassed him, that I was having an affair and was using drugs at our home. I left.
I tried to call him that evening, but he wouldn't take my calls. I went back there, begging to know what I had done. He slammed the door on my hand, saying get out. He pushed me and I fell and cracked my head. When he saw me in pain he told me to come in and talk. I went in and he wanted to have sex. I said no, and he said he loved me. I said no again. He headed me into the bedroom and put himself in me while holding me down and covering my mouth.
After, he said he loved me and things would be okay. He sent me to Pietermaritzburg the next morning to see my family and to give them money. My mum saw there was something wrong, so I told her what my husband had done. She was shocked, with nothing to say, and told me to stay there or he would kill me.
I did not listen. When I returned home I was shocked to find all the locks changed. He called me, saying to get out of his house, he doesn't want me. The next day I went to the police to open a rape and abuse case against him. They arrested him.
Yet again my family gave me love and support. After one-and-a-half years, I decided to make a new start so in April 2007, I moved to Johannesburg.
Through a friend I met someone who was looking for someone to do admin work. He offered me a salary, his flat to share. I did not mean for it to happen, but we hit it off. I told him all about my past and he told me about his. He had been married twice, had three children from the first wife. The eldest was 16.
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. On June 30, we decided to get married, with our parents' blessing. We also found out that I was pregnant with my 1st baby. We were excited and happy.
When the doctor put me on bedrest because of complications, my husband did everything for me. However, soon after that he changed towards me, becoming verbally abusive.
Family
His family stayed across the street from us and they began spying on me, also being verbally abusive. At the beginning of October, we had a fight that ended with him telling me to get out of his house.
I waited until he phoned me to come back home. When I came in, I only asked him why he was looking at me like that, when he jumped from the bed, pushing me around.
I pulled a knife that he keeps under his pillow to defend myself. During the struggle, I was knocked out and when I woke up I heard him calling the police. Three male and one female police officers in uniform came. He told them I was on drugs and that I used to abuse my ex-husband. They told me I must come with them to the station. I told them I did nothing wrong, I'm not leaving my house. The policewoman pulled me off the bed and I screamed in pain and told her I was pregnant.
My husband told her to leave me and that he will bring me to the station. When they left he told me to take my things and get out. We quarrelled some more, but then he asked me to forgive him and to try and work things out. And we made love.
However, things never changed. One day, after a bitter quarrel with his family, he told me to leave. I had nowhere to go, so I slept in my car and washed at malls for three weeks. Then I went to Nissaa the (Islamic Women's Forum). They gave me a place to stay.
It's being a month of living hell for me, thinking things will be ok and taking his promises. He made me relive my whole past in detail, he repeated it.
For other women, I want to say when you get into a new relationship be independent, work and have an income. Remember, your family will always love you. Live life, don't let life live you.
q This story is part of a series produced by the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service for the Sixteen Days of Activism on Gender Violence.
* Not her real name
- This article was originally published on page 9 of The Independent on Saturday on December 01, 2007
Pretoria
