Strike a balance in your parenting
13 July 2007, 08:49
There are times when we revel in the fashioning and forging involved in parenting and others when we feel totally overwhelmed by the frustration and failure dogging us as parents.
We react in two ways:
Either we attribute blame for our apparent failure to others; our spouses, teachers or our children themselves, which keeps us perpetually in attack mode;
Or we descend into a pit of self-blame, which often keeps us in a place of withdrawal or any other state we have chosen as a self-defence mechanism.
Both responses possibly do not take into account the real pressures we face raising children, and how to deal with such pressures pro-actively.
Psychologist Gary Collins identified several factors that commonly add to confusion and conflict in the home, and pointed out that being aware of these pressures could allow us to approach parenting in a "forewarned is fore-armed" fashion.
They include:
Time: Possibly one of the commodities in shortest supply. It is at the very moment when our children seem to need us most that we have other demands on our time - establishing our professions, providing for our children's present needs and our own future needs. These we need to do while we are still sufficiently able-bodied - when our families are young.
We try to create quality time, but start to realise it doesn't really happen, as we hurtle from one commitment to another. Yet we still desperately grab at these straws, labouring at creating time with our children. We might even resort to lavish, languished holidays to placate ourselves regarding this issue of quality time. Often, though, that moment when our ear, shoulder or wise words are most needed is long past.
There are no easy solutions. It might be strategic to evaluate the costs and the benefits attached to whichever priority you have chosen to give first place - is it easier to successfully play "catch-up" in our parenting or our professions? Our values will dictate the answer.
Unpredictability: Children are notorious for their impulsive behaviour. This can apply to anything from social plans to urgently required stationery for projects and assignments. This is cause for frustration for parents who:
Want to optimise their children's chances of achieving;
Are having to keep to their own schedule and deadlines;
Find the chaos that ensues frustrating as they battle to keep some semblance of order;
Desire to support their children, if only they had been given timeous warning.
It might be strategic to keep that sticker on the fridge door: "Do not let a lack of planning on your part constitute an emergency on mine."
We need to bear in mind that children have to realise parents have schedules. It is also our task to lovingly hold that line while striking a balance. Allow for moments where schedules are thrown out of the window. Send the message, "I am available, but within reasonable limits".
Anger and frustration: This will boil to the surface when parents are trying to make themselves heard while children seem to remain unreceptive to alternative perspectives, in the process wasting much time.
The temptation to raise our voices to try to make ourselves heard can be enormous. It is those very moments that utterances may be made that we regret and that fill us with remorse once the "cooling-off" period sets in.
It is crucial to have in place an agreement, before our internal "thermometers" pop, that allows for all parties to take time out to reflect, with the intention to meet up again at a later stage to discuss alternatives.
This agreement might take the form of a catch-phrase like, "time to stop the bus" or the classic time-out hand signal.
Finances: Children are costly. We want to clothe, educate and feed them in the best way we can afford.
Often there comes a time when our best endeavours seem to have come to nothing, as poor eating habits, frightening fashion fetishes and dubious study methods threaten to destroy all the years of preceding effort and sacrifice.
When an apparent attitude of entitlement rather than privilege also becomes evident, it can further add to the toxic cocktail.
It is strategic in such instances to resist the power struggle that can ensue over money. Resist, also, the guilt-trip that requires the provision of material benefits to compensate for our parenting imperfections.
Instead, see these situations as teachable moments. Do not, however, turn every situation into a monumental sermon.
Certainly, we should continue to take appropriate responsibility for our children's needs. Similarly, though, we should allow them to learn the art of delayed gratification when it comes to their wants.
Think about these pressure points, plan strategies to deal constructively with these realities and accept that parenting is a rollercoaster ride: lots of fun with as many hair-raising moments.
Psychologist Sandy van Vuuren is a member of North Durban Private Practitioners' Group.
We react in two ways:
Both responses possibly do not take into account the real pressures we face raising children, and how to deal with such pressures pro-actively.
Psychologist Gary Collins identified several factors that commonly add to confusion and conflict in the home, and pointed out that being aware of these pressures could allow us to approach parenting in a "forewarned is fore-armed" fashion.
They include:
Time: Possibly one of the commodities in shortest supply. It is at the very moment when our children seem to need us most that we have other demands on our time - establishing our professions, providing for our children's present needs and our own future needs. These we need to do while we are still sufficiently able-bodied - when our families are young.
We try to create quality time, but start to realise it doesn't really happen, as we hurtle from one commitment to another. Yet we still desperately grab at these straws, labouring at creating time with our children. We might even resort to lavish, languished holidays to placate ourselves regarding this issue of quality time. Often, though, that moment when our ear, shoulder or wise words are most needed is long past.
There are no easy solutions. It might be strategic to evaluate the costs and the benefits attached to whichever priority you have chosen to give first place - is it easier to successfully play "catch-up" in our parenting or our professions? Our values will dictate the answer.
Unpredictability: Children are notorious for their impulsive behaviour. This can apply to anything from social plans to urgently required stationery for projects and assignments. This is cause for frustration for parents who:
It might be strategic to keep that sticker on the fridge door: "Do not let a lack of planning on your part constitute an emergency on mine."
We need to bear in mind that children have to realise parents have schedules. It is also our task to lovingly hold that line while striking a balance. Allow for moments where schedules are thrown out of the window. Send the message, "I am available, but within reasonable limits".
Anger and frustration: This will boil to the surface when parents are trying to make themselves heard while children seem to remain unreceptive to alternative perspectives, in the process wasting much time.
The temptation to raise our voices to try to make ourselves heard can be enormous. It is those very moments that utterances may be made that we regret and that fill us with remorse once the "cooling-off" period sets in.
It is crucial to have in place an agreement, before our internal "thermometers" pop, that allows for all parties to take time out to reflect, with the intention to meet up again at a later stage to discuss alternatives.
This agreement might take the form of a catch-phrase like, "time to stop the bus" or the classic time-out hand signal.
Finances: Children are costly. We want to clothe, educate and feed them in the best way we can afford.
Often there comes a time when our best endeavours seem to have come to nothing, as poor eating habits, frightening fashion fetishes and dubious study methods threaten to destroy all the years of preceding effort and sacrifice.
When an apparent attitude of entitlement rather than privilege also becomes evident, it can further add to the toxic cocktail.
It is strategic in such instances to resist the power struggle that can ensue over money. Resist, also, the guilt-trip that requires the provision of material benefits to compensate for our parenting imperfections.
Instead, see these situations as teachable moments. Do not, however, turn every situation into a monumental sermon.
Certainly, we should continue to take appropriate responsibility for our children's needs. Similarly, though, we should allow them to learn the art of delayed gratification when it comes to their wants.
Think about these pressure points, plan strategies to deal constructively with these realities and accept that parenting is a rollercoaster ride: lots of fun with as many hair-raising moments.
Pretoria
